Thursday, August 4, 2011

Dating: Poker Style

Imagine, if you will, that dating is like a card game. The dealer is fate, and your opponent is the one you are hoping to have a relationship with. Now, the dealer holds all the cards at first. Each card represents either a piece of your past, a long lost love, or one of your “crazies”. Got it? Confused about what the “crazy” is? I’ll get to that in a minute.
So, all three of you are sitting at the card table. The game you are playing mimics Go Fish. The dealer hands each of you seven cards. Yet, instead of asking your opponent if they have a two or a king, you lay one card on the table and say, “Here it is. This is a piece of my past. This is the person who did me wrong. This is my crazy.” So, the other player looks at your card and if they find they can deal with it, they pick it up and match it to one of their own. The object of the game is for both sides to have all matching cards. Easy enough right? Let’s take a look…..

Dealer shuffles the deck and passes out seven cards to each player. Both players nervously look at their hands. Up to this point, they have been casually flirting with the possibility of dating. This card game will determine whether or not they go on to the next round. If either one of the players forfeit the game at any time, the other player walks away with the right to spill all secrets to his or her friends. The stakes are high.

Up first is the woman. She lays down a two. It is a smart move. Going with a low card first lets her test the waters to see if the man is capable of handling anything bigger.

“When I was four, my parents divorced and I was bounced back and forth between the both of them for years.” She states.

The man looks at her and pulls out a two of his own. “My parents divorced when I was five, and I haven’t seen my dad since.” This was a well played round. Both sides were able to match and move on.

The man takes his turn. He pulls out a five. “I had my first beer when I was 10. My uncle gave it to me and it made me sick. To this day, I can’t stand beer.” This makes the woman laugh. She pulls out a five of her own and states she hates the taste of beer as well. Again, good round.

This time the woman reveals a nine. “I lost my virginity when I was 13. I did it because I was bored and there was nothing on television.” This play seems to have shocked the man for a moment. The woman holds her breath with anticipation. Did she reveal too much too soon? The man begins to chuckle and responds, “I got my first bj when I was 12 by my sister’s best friend. I lost the big one when I was 15.” This was a risky play by the woman, but it showed she could be adventurous when she wanted to be.

Up next the man hesitantly pulls out a ten. “I smoked weed and did a couple of lines of cocaine when I was in college.” The dealer pauses to inspect both players. The game has taken a serious turn with the cards getting higher. How will the woman respond?

“I smoked weed and was drinking all throughout high school. I have dropped acid a few times.” The man and the woman eye each other. The man grins and takes the cards. So far so good.

Up next is the woman. With a ten already in play, all she has left are the face cards. This is where the crazy comes out.

A person’s crazy is not so much their deep dark secrets. It’s beyond that. It’s what makes them tick. It’s what makes them angry and how they deal with that anger. Crazy is what keeps you awake at night. It is your silliest fears and bad habits. Crazy is what will usually drive a person away.

With a heavy sigh, the woman lays down a jack. This is considered a low crazy. She may reveal anything from not being able to stand hearing a person chew to how many people she has slept with. Revealing anything sexual when displaying a jack is considered low-high crazy. A person’s sexual nature is not exactly the worst of the crazies, but it can rank high up there.

“I have no idea how many people I have slept with.” She bluntly states. The man looks at her and blinks. Looking down at his hand, he sees he holds three jacks of his own.

First jack is played. “I have slept with thirteen women.” He lays the card down.

Second jack. “I once slept with a girl at a night club in the men’s bathroom.”

Third jack. “I only like to have sex on the bottom.” There, the man has laid all his cards out. Not a bad hand at all. He has very little crazy, and there isn’t much in the way of his past. Now let us take a look at the woman’s hand.

The woman sits in her seat trembling. She only has three cards left. These are high face cards she is holding. It is a king and two aces. In this moment, the dealer looks at her and realizes there are not enough cards in her hand to represent the crazy she has to let out. What will be the woman’s strategy? She could fold and walk away. By default, the man would have all rights to whatever secrets she has already revealed and will be able to tell his friends. Or, she could combine all her crazy into the three cards. This a very risky move. The man could easily get overwhelmed and the dealer may end up having to call an ambulance to carry him out of the room. Sensory overload is a common side effect of these games.

Unfortunately, the woman decides to go with the latter move.
The king is laid on the table. The woman sighs and with one breath, she lays out her crazy associated with the king. “I liked to be choked during sex. I like violence, it excites me. I once got a concussion during a romp in the bedroom and that was the best night of my life. I have had threesomes, foursomes, and other -somes that I can not explain. I like men and women. I don’t equate sex with love, so I don’t care who I have sex with. I’ve had sex in the downtown library, in a club, and in a movie theater. I like to have sex when I’m horny, when I’m mad, and when I have nothing else to do.”

Bam! She lays down the first ace. “I have been in the mental hospital four times. I tried to commit suicide three of those times. I have bad mood swings. I can go for days without sleeping. When I do manage to sleep, I have terrible nightmares about zombies and vampiric dogs. I don’t cry in front of people and when I think I am going to, I yell at them until they go away. I will throw something at you, if you make me angry. I once threw a fully cooked pork chop at someone because they wouldn’t tell me what they wanted as a side dish. I cuss like a sailor.”

The dealer looks at the man. He is starting to swoon. The woman’s risky hand has backfired and the man begins to experience sensory overload. However, the woman is not done. She has one last ace to play. What will she reveal? What has she not spoken of?

Bam! Out comes the last ace. “I am eight weeks pregnant by a foursome I was previously in. I’m not sure which guy is the father.”

Down goes the man. The dealer calls 911.

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