His arms were big. Strong. They wrapped around her as they both laid in his bed. Their breathing synchronized in the dark room. The air was chilly outside of the covers, and as she snuggled closer into his bare chest, she could feel the protective armor of his arms tighten around her thin body. She had folded her arms into her chest, and her long legs laid tangled within his. Periodically, he would gently kiss her forehead. He'd rub his beard across the top of her head, signalling his need for her to know his affections for what they really were.
Honest. Love. Concern.
He whispered to her, hoping she could hear him over the silence between them. "Are you ok?"
She didn't respond. Confusion clouded her mind and her little hamster wheel that rotated inside her cluttered mind would not slow down long enough for her to decide whether or not she was.
All she knew, all she wanted, was him. His heat. His strength. She wanted to be him in that moment. The complexity of his life was tame compared to hers. She needed that. Craved it even.
She lifted her lips to the sweet spot on his neck that she so often sought out. Her tongue played across his skin. It tasted the sweet saltiness that was him. She could feel his body shiver while a sigh escaped his parted lips. She moved her mouth across his neck to his adams apple.
His hands.....palms large....fingers larger......squeezed the muscles of her back. She met his mouth, breathing heavy, panting under the excitement of her touch.
To him, her tongue was sweet inside his mouth. To her, his tongue was massive.....filling the confines of her mouth. They kissed for what seemed like hours. But was actually only a few minutes.
"Your mind is going a hundred miles a minute," he said to her after her finally broke free. "I can feel it."
She responded by pulling him on top of her. As she guided him inside, she whispered a small prayer somewhere within the back corners of her mind.
Please let me be ok one day. Please let me become independent one day. Let me take care of myself. If I must hurt. Then I will hurt. I will carry the pain like a badge of honor. Every sting, every stab of electricity that shoots thought me, every tear that falls will be endured quietly. And with grace. I won't complain. I won't wish for a different journey. An easier life. Just let me be ok. Let me become what I once was.......Independent.
When he finished, they both laid in a tangle or arms, legs, and sweat. He remained on top of her, forehead to forehead, hoping to absorb her thoughts. She allowed him to stay as close as he wanted.
When at last their breathing had slowed, and the magic of the moment began to subside, she spoke in a clear voice. A strong voice.
"No. I'm not ok."
