Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Booty Call Confusion

Ok, people, we are all adults here. Except for you. You must leave the room now. Ahem. Ok. Now, like I was saying: We are all adults here on this blog of mine. As you all know, I have been fighting this waste land of singledom for quite some time. (18 months to be exact) And I still haven't got the hang of it. I have navigated the roads of dating. I've done the somewhat-serious dating. I danced around with the casual-dating situation. I've even flirted with whole "friends-with-benefits" scenario. Frankly, I'm confused.

And exhausted....

So, I have a few questions. I don't get how one is supposed to progress from a "friends-with-benefits" situation into a "serious-dating" relationship. Mind you, I am not too keen on the whole just fooling around for the sake of fooling around. It confuses me and causes digestive problems. Dating isn't the same as it used to be. Booty calls aren't the same either. Apparently, the rules have changed. Once upon a time, when a guy and gal got together to make whoopie, slap uglies, or what ever you want to call it, it was all pretty straight forward.

The guy would contact the girl. Or vice versa. In my day (yes, I said "my day") we did it by telephone. A land line phone at that.

Guy: "Hey, baby. Wanna get together?"

Girl: "For?"

Guy: "Release some pent up frustrations. Ya know?"

Girl: "Sure! Your place or mine?"

And there ya have it. The literal booty call. It's not like that anymore. There's a new term for sex these days. It is called.........wait for it......hanging out.

What the hell? How am I supposed to know what that means? Should I go by the time of night? A guy came over one time at about 10:30 pm to "watch movies" as he put it. Guess what happened? We literally watched movies. Two of them to be exact.

Then I had another feller tell me he wanted to come over and hang out. This was around 8ish in the evening. I fell asleep on his shoulder to wake up to him plundering me. All that was missing was a parrot and him saying "Ahoy Mattie!" After that, I made a rule that no guy was ever stepping foot into my humble abode again.

I don't like being plundered without my consent of said plundering.

The terminology these days doesn't make much sense. I like hanging out and watching movies. There's nothing better than curling up to a good smelling member of the opposite sex and watching a really awesome horror movie. Throw in some popcorn and a Pepsi, and I'm in dork heaven. But, I don't know how to discern between "hanging out" and "booty call".

I guess I could take the straight forward approach. Let's imagine the conversation. Shall we?

Him: "Hey, what are you doing tonight?"

Me: "Nothing much. You?"

Him: "Nada. Was wondering if you wanted to come over and hang out and watch a movie?"

Me: "What movie did you have in mind?"

Him: "Doesn't really matter. I'll let you pick it out."

Me: "So, ok. Are we actually going to watch a movie? Or is that code for sex?"

Him: "Uh. Um.....not sure."

Me: "I need to know what to expect."

Him: "Well, now that you've mentioned it, I was hoping we'd end up having sex."

Me: "So, your plan is to begin with a movie and end the night with sex? Am I correct in my summation?"

Him: "You are correct."

Me: "Does that mean that you just want casual sex? If I enjoy my encounter with you, does that leave you open to have more sex? Or is this going to be a one time deal?"

Him: "Uhhh....."

Me: "Furthermore, how good are you in bed? Do you have any references I may be able to check before I spend the gas money to go to your place? Gas is now $3.49 a gallon. I'm a single mom. I have to budget where I go. You understand, right?"

Him: "Well......"

Me: "Also. While we're on the subject of your sexual capabilities, how long do you normally last? I have to get up and go to work in the morning. So, it's 8 pm now. By the time the movie is over, it'll be past ten. I can allow you two hours.....maybe three....then that will put me going to bed sometime around 2 am. You can last 2 hours. Right?"

Him: "Uh. Yeah....right. I gotta go. I think my mom is calling me."

You see why the straight forward scenario would never work with me? I think, as adults, if we are going to enter into the booty call arena, we should have a universal booty call contract. It should be made up by a panel of six men and six women. Once signed, the contract should be notarized and hung up beside the constitution. That way, there will never be any confusion.

What would I put in the booty contract if I were to be picked for the panel? Good question.

I am not sure of all points. But, I do know this much. I would make it a law that whoever did the traveling would be reimbursed for gas money if they did not leave the booty call satisfied.

Hey, don't judge. Traveling for a booty call is a risky venture with gas at $3.49 a gallon. Don't you think?

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