Thursday, December 16, 2010

A Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

In about a week, you will break into my house to bring presents to my children. I am grateful to you for that. After all, Barbie's Dream house is very expensive and Red has her heart set on it. The three-year-old would really like a Buzz Lightyear something-or-other. I am sure you know better than me what it is.

I am quite certain that you will take care of the offspring's toy needs. So, this letter is not really about them. It's about me. You have neglected my needs for years now. Frankly, I am sick of it. So here they are for you to address.

1)I need a ceiling fan. My bedroom is not sure what temperature it should be. One minute it feels like the Arctic, the next the fires of hell are coming out from underneath the bed. I feel like a remote control ceiling fan would help.

2)I would really like a longer bathtub. See, as you know, I am 5'8". However, by some mathematical miracle my legs are 6 feet long. My bathtub can not accommodate them. I deserve an 8 foot long claw tub......with an endless supply of hot water and bubbles.

3)It is no secret that my love life has been And a life. Could you change this? You have a reputation of keeping an eye on everyone. Between you and me, I know about your peeping-tom habits. I promise not to tell Mrs. Claus if you bring me the man of my dreams. You know who I want. Make it happen, or I'll tell your wife about that one time....

4)I need some pots and pans. I love to cook and it is hard to cook with what I have. Between my numerous moves, I have lost a pan or two...or eight. I prefer the non-stick kind.

5)A couple of months ago, a snake crawled through my window and into my bed. He lovingly wrapped himself around my leg. I found him there and released him back into the wild. I haven't heard from him since. Could you please locate him? It hurt that he never called. I thought we had something special.

6)As you well know Santa, I don't sleep. I've counted sheep, demonic cows, vampire poodles, and little green men. Nothing has helped. I heard through the grapevine that you know the Sandman. If this is true, could you send him my way?

That's about it for now, Santa. I don't ask for much. Just a little of this and that to make me happy. Appreciate all you do. I know it's tough being a big man and having to fit through all those small openings. A single wide trailer must be hell on your back.


P.S. I was serious about Mrs. Claus. I have photographs.....

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