Tuesday, November 9, 2010

The Red Head Discovers Porn

I never intended to introduce my daughter to porn at the age of six. I thought this to be too young of an age to learn how to appropriately entertain the plumber when he visits your house....late at night. My plan was to wait until she was- at the very least- ten.

Of course with her being my daughter, Red decided to take matters into her own hands.

Friday evening we are standing in the video store. In a time when you can recieve movies in your mail box the next business day, download them onto your computer, or even view them on a Playstation, it baffles me as to why video stores still exist. Yet, there I was, trying to pick out age appropriate viewing material for a three year old, a six year old, and a 59 year old. (My dad was babysitting that night.)

My three-year-old was in the children's section of the store squealing his delight with every Wow Wow Wubzzy movie he came across. "Sista, sista," he would call out in that sing-song voice of his. "Wooooook at what I bound."

"Hold on," the Red Head yelled back to him. "I'm coming." She was standing beside me reading a notice on a door. The door was saloon style, like the kind you'd see in old Western movies.

"Stop." She read aloud. "Must be 18 years of age or older to enter thru here." She looked at me curiously. "Momma, what does that mean?" She asked.

I was busy trying to decide between Iron Man 2 or Splice for my dad. (I later picked Iron Man 2 just in case the three year would be interested.) I mumbled something about having the right to vote before entering into the room.

In my defense, what happened next occured relatively quickly. I could still hear the three-year-old's squeals at the front of the store. I knew he was safe. I assumed the Red Head was with him. I know. I know. One should never assume anything in regards to their children. However, I was engrossed in reading the back of The Machinist.

I had just made up my mind to grab that particular movie when I heard a timid voice call out. "Momma? Momma?"

I knew it was the Red Head. I walked over to where the three-year-old, now sitting on the floor surrounded by a collection of Wow Wow Wubbzy movies and giggling manically, was.

"Where's your sister?" I asked him. "I dunno. But, momma, woook at what I bound! Can I get dem? Pweeeaaassee?" I answered in the negative on that and told him to sit still.

Again, I heard the faint sound of my beloved tax deduction's voice. "Momma? Momma?"

At this point, I began to feel like the mother in the movie, Poltergiest. I resisted the urge to yell back, "Carolann! Run away from the light!" Instead, I looked down every isle of the small store. Finally, I faced the dreaded door and peered underneath. Sure enough. I saw a pair of size two sneakers.


Not sure of what exactly I was going to find, I opened the door slowly. The Red Head stood in the middle of a small room overflowing with images of naked women and men doing things together that I would be ashamed to admit I knew about. In her hand was a DVD case. On the front of the case was a naked woman entertaining two lonely gentleman. She was in a most impressive pose. I breifly wondered how flexible you had to be to get into that sort of stance.

"Baby? You ok."

My innocent offspring gave me a look of confusion and annoyance. (Or she could have been a little gassy.)

"Momma, is that sex?" She asked pointing to the picture on the cover.

I try very hard to answer her questions honestly. I have never told her the story of the stork bringing a baby to the mommy and daddy. When asked, I offered up the real deal on copulation. So, unless the couple in question are into beastiality, birds don't figure into our sex talks.

"It's a version of it," I answered vaguely. Truthful I am. But, I did not think my child needed to know about oral sex in the middle of a video store. Or sex with two men.......ever.

"Do you do that?"

I cleared my throat. Oh dear Lord in Heaven and all the holly crackers. How do you answer that?

"Um......no?" I answered. Candid about sex? Yes. On the level about my sex life? Not so much.

I have to give the Red Head credit. She has been known to handle things pretty well. She put the movie back in the proper spot. Taking my hand, she looked up at me and said with a rather grim expression, "Momma, let's just stick with the Tinkerbell movie for right now. Ok?"


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