Keeping the Kids Safe

I often wonder if my parents truely loved me. After all, I rode in the front seat of the family station wagon without a seatbelt more times that my mother will comfortably admit to. I remember laying down in the back car window and waving to the travelers driving behind us. I will daringly admit to riding my bicycle on a paved rode without the benefit of a helmet or knee pads. And let us not forget the countless trips between Fayetteville, NC and Stafford, VA in the bed of my dad's truck with nothing but a camper shell protecting me from the outside elements.

This is how I grew up. Dangerously. I ran around the neighborhood til dark.....barefooted. I know. I know. If you had known it was going on, you would have called DSS. My caretakers were thoughtless people.

I try to do better by my children. My three year old wears a helmet when riding his tricycle. His older sibling sports a helmet, knee pads, and bubble wrap when cruising down the road on her Dora the Explorer bike.

I take it a step further within the confounds of my car. Both children are strapped in a car seat by a sixteen point harness that I bought from the boys at NASA. I lovingly stuff pillows between their seats and the doors, protecting them from the possibility of shattered glass or the occasional fly that wonders in through the window. I also travel at a safe speed of 30 mph when driving down the interstate. I will not risk the chance of one of my beloved tax deductions flying through the windshield if I so happen to have to come to a complete and sudden stop.

My home is a fortress of solitude and security. I do not let other children near my precious cherubs. I can not risk them getting infected with the Swine Flu, Bird Flu, SARS, Chicken Pox, Meales, Mumps, Mad Cow Disease, Foot and Mouth Disease, or anything else that the diseased neighborhood kids may be carrying. I keep a jug of Clorox and Lysol handy in every room. This way the children can disinfect themselves once they are done eating, playing, watching t.v, sleeping, and bathing.

While I was growing up, my parents sent me to school and that was it. I was never enrolled in any educational activities. The sculpting of my young and impressionable mind was left to strangers at the nearby public school. I have taken a more aggressive approach and have become an advocate for my children's education. I home school both children. I teach them reading, writing, arthrimatic, chinese, spanish, crocheting, origami, home ec, and basket weaving. I believe an educated child is a happy child.

I do not allow my children to play video games. For recreation, they are allowed to read books approved by myself. I give them books such as "The History and Culture of the Amish" or "Meditation for Children". I do not like for them to read anything that will get them excited. Excitement can elevate your heart rate, which makes your blood pump faster, which can lead to a stroke......I read that on the internet.

My children are happy though. I know this because I have taught them a special song to recite on command. It goes something like this:

I am happy. I am happy.
Hug me. Love me.
But, do it from a distance.
I am happy.

I am dedicated to keeping the ankle biters safe.