Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Men 101: A Response to the Friend Zone Blog

Last night, with my ego torn to shreds, I poured my heart into a lovely blog about my recent experiences in the tenth level of hell that should be named The Friend Zone. I received several emails regarding this topic since my post. Some were from men who sympathized with my plight. Others were from women who understood all to well what it's like to identify with Molly Ringwald in Sixteen Candles. And while Molly did end up getting the guy, and a great birthday cake in the end, I don't have such high hopes for me. 

One guy was even nice enough to offer up his bootie call services should I ever find myself lacking in that department. His exact words were: "Don't worry, I'll take one for the team." How thoughtful.

My favorite among the heart felt emails is below. It is simple and to the point. A man's point to be more precise. I find the insight helpful, intriguing, and depressing. I hope you, dear readers, will be able to take something from it as well. Enjoy.

Your average man has very few categories of women. 'Friend' isn't actually one of them. It is the word men think is polite women speak for I don't want what you want. It is rare for a woman to understand man categories since they are very different from theirs. The 'Friend Zone' to a male is more of a term for a woman who will let you spend money on them and do stuff for them but has no intention of being sexual with you. I don't think this applies to your case so let me break down the top ten types for you.

1. Family - All men start out with women in their lives and are taught it is wrong to have sexual urges for them. This is Mother, Sister, Aunt, and Cousin. This would be the worst zone for someone not actually blood related to be in. However, you may not be so far out of luck by someone who considers you a cousin instead of a sister. There is even something called and Oedipus complex for a reason so there is always hope for the truly determined.

2. Scary - Someone who provokes the flight response or at least is impossible to get an erection for. This doesn't even have to be about looks. Sure, if you outweigh your perspective love interest by half a ton, their fear may be understandable just taking gravity into account. However, many men fear women who are smarter, more aggressive, or can do anything better than they can. Those sort of men seek someone so dependent she will stay with them no matter what mistakes they make. Avoid this type.

 3. Mopeds - If you find yourself constantly sneaking into someone's place, they never go to public places with you unless they are far from where you live, and you have never been introduced to friends and family, you might fit this classification. Mopeds are fun to ride but you never want your friends to see you doing it. Since this type of man is pretty shallow, it is entirely possible to be not only friends but even best buds. In their mind, they are doing you a favor by giving you sex. Friends do favors for each other right?

4. Hit and Quit - These are ladies who men use just to improve upon their numbers. Men have some unusual math which involves their unique preferences that determines if the woman is worth a second round. The fact that they did not do this calculation until afterward shows you the type of person they are. Believe it or not, there are women men will not sleep with again even if they have no other options. Those women are in this class.

5. The Ritz Cracker - When you are starving, a Salteen tastes as good as a Ritz. I know you may find this hard to believe but men will sleep with and have relationships with women they don't want simply because they don't have another option. These men either have someone else in mind who doesn't want them or are waiting for anything else better to come along so they can upgrade. These are easy to spot if you are another guy but some women seem to be in denial with these type of men and nothing you say to them will get through.

6. The Dream Girl - Some guys have their ultimate girl in mind. This could be a barbie model or simply a woman who turns into a pizza and beer after screwing their brains out. Some think if they work hard and make enough money, they will miraculously attract this woman and she will throw herself at his feet. Take note of what this type of man considers all women to be.

7. The Close Enough - This is usually a woman that meets 70-90% of the physical criteria of a man and they balance out any crazy or annoying habits in order to establish a real relationship with. This means the man isn't actively looking for anyone and will even turn down someone who looks slightly worse than you in most cases. This sometimes is more of a business arrangement to a man but can develop into real feelings.

8. Love at First Sight - This is the girl that makes the guy gaga and he will bend over backwards to get her attention. He sends flowers, poetry, and even hangs out in the bushes from time to time. This can happen in a mall, crowded store, or class. However, it is most observed in the men who keep turning their paychecks over to the same stripper every month for a few looks and sultry words.

9. True love - This is the woman who gets them. She finishes their sentences and even if she has no interests in common, she understands his passion for midnight ice fishing and packs him a snack for your trip. It doesn't matter what she looks like because she becomes his entire world. Unfortunately, this is a combination of right place and right time too. Men have their cycles. They just aren't monthly or blood related.

10. Wife/Baby momma - Sometimes the other categories make it to wife but this is a relationship built around children. It can be one of hatred, disinterest, or pure love. However, even the smallest endowed man can have a weaker brain. This means men have a hard time thinking or caring of consequences. Heck, it is something they are known for. Women are smarter by far but many think that sort of thing will never happen to them. Hence, we have a rather common relationship. Unfortunately, statistically this may be the saddest of all relationships to have with a man. I am a product of one of these so I can say if you have a boy he isn't likely going to want this unless it is meaningful first.

I hope this has helped. While this isn't as romantic as suffering in a circle of hell for some unrequited love it can be put to practical use. I might also add, men who are interested in watching men roll around in the mud, tossing balls with receivers and tight ends, and have an opinion about how they lace shoes, might be fun to go shopping with but you should stop trying to date them. At best, they are pretending to be sports heroes and want to bang someone who reminds them of a cheerleader. If you are a writer go after men who appreciate books, or at least find someone who can read on a college level and not look at you funny for using the word doppelganger correctly in a sentence. (I recently received strange looks for using the word 'doppelganger')

If your conclusion is something is wrong with you because you are the common denominator with every man you have wanted, then you may want to admit math isn't your strong point. All you have found out is you might have bad taste in men and need to broaden your horizons. I'd accuse you of wanting to be a big fish in a very small pond. If you have discovered you are the wildest, most creative, intelligent, sluttiest, and magnificent person you know, you may want to find someone who can at least match you if not exceed you in quirk. The lamest duck is never going to want a swan but that does not diminish the swan in any way.

No comments:

Post a Comment