Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Looking For God

I looked for God today. I looked for Him everywhere. Work was making me frustrated. My children were making me tired. I was give out. Exasperated, I sat down in my recliner and sighed.

I looked for you today.

While tucking my children into bed, I made the half hearted attempt at prayers. The 4 year old was already asleep before I could even turn out the light. The Red Head was not too far behind him. With the house quiet, I revisited my recliner.

Where were you today?

I don't often get too overwhelmed. But, when I do, it is a doozy. I usually remain cool and collected during most events that would rattle anyone else. I have been blessed with the talent to think outside the proverbial box, and that has allowed me to exercise my problem solving skills on more than one occasion. However, when I am hit with days, or even weeks, like the one I am experiencing now, I have to sit down. My form of panicking involves a lot of sighing. Followed closely with irritation and sarcasm. I have to remind myself to pray. I know that God will take care of me. He always has. When I look back, even on recent events, I see His hand steadily holding mine. I can see His intervention as clear as I can recall any other memory. Sometimes, however, it's hard to focus on the bigger picture. Sometimes, I need a gentle reminder that God has a plan for me.

It sucks that a gentle reminder to God is actually a big kick in the butt to me.

Looking for some form of an answer, I opened the bible. I thumbed through the scripture until I rested on the Book of Job. That is something I never should have done. To me, Job is the most frustrating story of the Bible. It offers no answers. No insight into the mind of our Heavenly Father. It simply tells the story of a man who waited out suffering that was so horrific, it would make most men curl up and die. But, Job never did that. Even when his wife turned her back on him, even after his friends proclaimed that he MUST have done something wrong, other wise God would never punish him, Job simply waited out his torture. Yes, he cursed the day he was born. But, he never once cursed God.

I've read the book several times. Each time, I hope to run across some passage that I've missed in my previous attempts. And each time I come away feeling more frustrated at my inability to break down and analyze the information before me. I just want an answer to my question.

Why is life so hard?

Or better yet, why do bad things happen to good people?

God's answer to Job is His terms. We are not to know these answers. And that really irritates me. To me, that answer is the equivalent of "Because I said so." That's what I tell my children when they want to know why they can't eat their weight in candy. Or why they can't have soda. It's not an answer you'd expect from an all powerful God that created us in His image. But, it's the one He gives us. It's pretty much the only one He tells us.


So, today, while at work, feeling overwhelmed and fed up, trying not to lose my temper and go all harry-cary-krishna on some unsuspecting victim that just happened to walk by, I stole away into my office and closed the door. I prayed and looked to God for comfort. I rambled on about the day and how I was tired of this and fed up with that.

Nothing. No response. He wasn't there.

Where are you?

Now, as I lay in bed, laptop open and the lamp on beside me, I hear tiny footsteps. I know who it is. My little 4 yr old peeks his head around the door. He grins that beautiful grin that I am blessed to have in my life everyday. I motion for him to come into bed. As he lays down, he curls his small body up beside mine.

"I love you, Mommy." He tells me as he breaks out into a yawn. "When I grow up I'm going to marry you. You are the best mommy ever."

I see you now.

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